About Me

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walsall, United Kingdom
Hi & Welcome to my blog. im Kerri. Busy mommy to Alex & Wynter, Nail varnish addict, Nail art lover, Complusive hoarder of Make up, Bargin Hunter, eBay shoppaholic, Mostly eccentric with a little bit of crazy thrown in for good measure... Come say Hi and thank you for viewing my blog!!!

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Tears to fill an ocean


One reason why I set this blog up was to use it to express myself, my views, my thoughts, my life and for one thing or another I have gone off track a little.

So I am using this time to explain a little about me,myself and I......

I live in the West Midlands with my lovely fiance of 4 years, we are just about to launch our own business and are blissfully happy.

I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, Alex is 5 years old and she has just started Year 1 at school(proud mommy moment) and Wynter is my 18 month bundle of terror and all round cheeky chappie.

This is where things get complicated.

For the last 13 years I have suffered from Anxiety attacks and Agoraphobia which is a fear of public places which until recently I chose to hide from pretty much everyone except for a few trusted people in my life.

Basically I live in a bubble, and yes before you tut and say just pull yourself together if you've ever experienced the odd panic attack and just how horrible it feels, imagine having up to 10 a day.

For anyone that doesn't understand what anxiety attacks are its pretty simple science.

When someone is experiencing a panic attack they become fearful, stressed, nervous or overwhelmed. The body produces adrenalin preparing your body for fight or flight mode, giving the day and age we live in the things we fear are much more mundane than it would have been in say prehistoric times where the human species had to fight to survive.

The down side to have excess Adrenalin running around your body is that it doesn't get used up and too much Adrenalin building up over time will make you ill.

Symptoms can range from pounding heart, sweating, stomach upset or dizziness, shortness of breath, tremors and twitches, muscle tension, headaches, fatigue and insomnia and unfortunately for me there isn't a day gone by in the last 13 years that I haven't experienced one or more of those symptoms.

Up until recently I chose to hide it away, essentially keeping myself safe, not putting myself into fearful situations but on the flip side my life practically ground to a halt and I was watching life pass before my eyes.

Dont get me wrong I have good days and bad days, but after a series of unavoidable but life changing situations I decided that enough was enough.

I NEEDED HELP....

There was so much I was missing out on, my independence for one but also school plays, social events and generally just enjoying my life.
The list of what I couldn't do was endless...and the guilt I felt was killing me.I felt deep in my heart that I was a failure to my family and it had to stop.

Up until now it has been trial and error, and I think, a lack of understanding on my doctors behalf. Their theory was to stick me on anti-depressants and everything would be fine.
I'm not depressed, I am a naturally cheerful person and the side effects from the tablets made my symptoms magnify two-fold.

So after lots of discussions, a decision was finally agreed on.I needed counselling, or to be more accurate CBT which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is part counselling but also part encouragement.

I have now been seeing my lovely Psychologist Louise for 6 weeks and I am making progress albeit slowly.A part of the therapy is to not be ashamed that is why I have written this post and let me tell you it hasn't been easy.

The therapy is painful and I don't mean physical but mental.The emotions I have gone through in these last 6 weeks is ever changing. Anger, guilt, feeling ashamed, trapped, paranoid and the tears have been endless...until I had an erika moment the tears have finally stopped. I have finally let go of the life that was holding me back and now have embraced my future.

I am slowly regaining control of my life.I have been on the bus, something I haven't done for over 5 years, take regular walks to my local town and even popped to the shop on my own...now you may laugh but I don't care...I am proud of what I have achieved!!! lol

I have 20 more weeks of therapy to do and I am hoping that by the end of that time I will be free of this affliction....
but that is the future and I will stay strong.


Thank you for reading.



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Kerri